I moved my blog

So....essentially I am tired of dealing with Blogger and its ...issues. I am moving the whole she-bang over to WordPress, so the new location is http://raptsblog.wordpress.com/. I am finding there are more widgets and cool stuff, so join me there....*hugs to all*

Restoration of Order on the Way

Its not as bad as I think it is, is it? We are moved in, still no furniture or not much furniture but its getting better. Hot water heater died on Mondy, they came and fixed it yesterday. So you can imagine that its been not quite as stellar as I would like it to be, but when is it ever the way we want it?? Living next to friends is nice, always have visitors. I still miss her alot though. We have not spoken in any fashion in a while, i think its because i am afraid to call. I dont want to know the answer to any of my questions. She said to give her sometime, and i am perfectly ok with that, but still I worry about her. Do we lose the time we had, do those things become memories if I am not around to reinforce them by my presence?? Will i no longer count? These questions seem so ridiculous to me. Yet they plague me. Maybe its better to just let it go, if something is meant to be, then it will be...right? Just want to say this...this girl misses you m'lady.

On the outside looking in

Lately the woman in my life has been distant. I call her the woman in my life, because there is no other that holds my interest the way she does, yet I feel like I am not wholly apart of hers. Considering everything it is almost too much to ask really. She is part of a whole other schism that I may never touch, and the ideal of us spending quality time together is becoming more and more remote from my vision. How do I tell her that I miss looking at her, talking to her, discovering those unknowns about myself and her without pressure? I do not think its possible. I can only be patient and hope that one day she might venture to see me again.

The life I have with my "owner" right now makes things a little difficult, please do not misunderstand I love Him very much, I am happy to belong to Him. He has no issue with my interest in her, so long as no other XY is involved. This of course makes her Dom (who is also a friend of mine) a little...well not put out but disappointed I guess would be the right description. So here we all are...sitting in a room full of glass boxes that we ourselves are sitting in... not touching, talking or essentially communicating with each other. So wrapped up in our own bull shit unable to clearly see how the others are feeling. We are on the outside of emotional glass looking in...and its bugging the fuck out of me.

more later.

M*I*A

So i have been more than a little lax in my upkeep here but FINALLY we have moved into an apartment...*throws confetti* Yay!!!! Finally...privacy...our OWN space!! That of course means new rules in the new place...i am excited. Just wanted to note that i was still alive.....*hugs*

rapt's Deviant Metamorphosis Part 1

It begins with black liquid eyeliner, to so many as garish and over done, to me it is the beginning mark of change. I practice putting the eyeliner on you see, to pull the lid of my eye taut as I draw the line trying to make it just right. Not too thick this line, just enough to create a slight dramatic effect, to bring attention to my gun metal blue eyes. Not brilliant blue, or piercing icy blue, but the color of new gun metal. Before the weapon has been fired a thousand times, heating up the barrel and changing the color to a more matte finish. My mother always said it was one of my best features. The black line draws your attention to them.

The other aesthetic changes come slowly, with better eating, exercise, losing bad habits, and picking up good ones. "C" has said he very much approves of all these changes, he especially would like to see my hair dyed purple/black again (more of an eggplant color). But the eyeliner...and the nail polish those are kickers for me. Like my sexy underwear it is those things that make me feel a little more girly and less like rag-a-muffin.

I look at images of the pin up girls, with their eyes dazzling, face smooth, lips red and pouting, they are sex defined in lines that I don't know if I can ever achieve...but in my own way I am going to try....

Playing catch-up and entering the land of confusion.

So it has been awhile since I posted a blog, much has happened in the last few weeks, but it includes driving all the way to Colorado to collect "C" and all his stuff. We have been back together for little over a week and it has been very enlightening. We have looked at an apartment, which we will be renting come the first of April, he has found a job, and things are looking up. The discussion of an official D/s contract has occurred, yet we have not put anything in writing yet. And this is why....

He is uncomfortable with my participating sexually with other people. The domestic service part he doesn't mind, but the submission to milady d he has an issue with, especially if her master "M" is observing. He considers the observation of my submission sexually a sexual act. I, of course, disagree. I feel that a sexual act incurs someone actually doing something, not just observing. The feeling of being possessed is one thing, and I understand his position, but this is insane. He knew this about me coming into this and now....I am just at a loss. Every time we try to talk about it winds up with us arguing. I know it does not make me a very good submissive to disagree with him but I just feel like I am being unfairly treated in this.

His position is that he barely knows the household I am in service to, he is not comfortable with my being naked around just anyone (though is doesn't bother me a bit) much less allowing another man to watch on while i am intimate with another woman. He says he needs time, he says he wants the opportunity to get to know the household. I am cool with this but I don't understand why i have to not play because HE has the issue.

Part of me feels like I am being childish and the other part is enraged as an adult. I don't know what to do and I feel like I am being forced to choose because of someones hang ups. That is NOT cool......

Full On Pissed Off Rant

In the last few months myself and people I know have been caught up in the whirl wind of losing something precious and important to us, intimate relationships. When you decide to end a relationship, its never easy. No one wins, and everyone loses, the most you can really hope for is damage control and to walk away with your INTEGRITY intact.

I had to walk away from someone for a while in order for BOTH of us to see what we really wanted. There were mistakes on both sides, and issues that need to be resolved most of all we both recognized that what we wanted the most was each other. My personal definition of love is "that one person who can put up with your kind of crazy for a lifetime and love it". But I want to be clear that I was completely honest and up front with him from the get go. I do NOT like being LIED TO on any level, and I do not like to participate in lying to someone else. I would not disassmeble something that meant so much to me without being there in person.

Because I have been in the situation, I find it offensive when someone tells me that I dont know what I am talking about. And I am hard pressed not to tell them to shove their opinion straight up their asses, especially when the party concerned had the AUDACITY to try and act like its all cool. So in response I wrote a little poem.....

One dishonored the innocent
One deceived those who trusted
Now one expects forgiveness?
Now one expects understanding?
Very well...all is forgiven
Very well...all is understood
Honor does not belong to one...but It matters not
Trust is an illusion one creates to make a smile
Until one is honest
Until one owns the dishonor
May one live forever in interesting times,and get everything one wants.
As above, so below...Blessed Be