On beginnings and revelations

I did something yesterday that I thought I would never do. I told my mother I was in "the bdsm lifestyle". I don't know what possessed me to just say it, maybe its the recent dedication C has made to me, to love me and to be my dominant. Maybe its the recent trial service I have to the House of M that makes me feel like something more than myself. Or maybe I have emotionally matured enough to accept that I enjoy being a submissive, and though sometimes I like holding the reins I would much rather be the beast of burden than the driver.

My mother surprised me by telling me about her little excursion into domination, in which she said she greatly enjoyed having a submissive yet should could not come to grips with the progressive violence that the submissive required. She can bark but she cannot bite, I guess. Except when she is angry, her violence is unquenchable when she is angry. I digress, truly I was stunned at her easy acceptance of my life. She asked me..."Could you do this with Jesus?" and for a moment I had an image of myself bound, gagged and kneeling before the Christ himself. Yes..I submit to the will of my chosen God, gladly. As he would not bind me but set me free, and only in love does he punish me, by allowing my mistakes so that I may better learn.

This conversation with my mother brought to mind the many things in the past that have occurred where she and I are concerned. One might ask how this fits into one's deviancy. I would say the issues of the past can greatly reflect on how we mold ourselves in the present. See she was never truly physically violent to me. She spanked me maybe a handful of times, used a switch on me twice and slapped in the face but once. Her particular type of torture was mental. Considering she is bi-polar this is not a surprise. One day I could do no wrong, the next day I could do nothing right. I felt guilt and praise all at the same time, and lived in an eternal conflict of self. So much to the point where I plotted my suicide on a regular basis.

Suicide planning is a self pity party with one attendee, just so you know. I spent too many years like this...waiting and wanting to die one day and living life to the fullest the next. Death was always right there at the corner of my ideal situation as far as I was concerned. I told myself I would live in the moment because tomorrow I would end it. This went on for several years. I still lived in fear, life as a teenager with my mother was just short of an Indy flick production, in other words..bizarre. The days I was a good girl were reason to celebrate and live, the days where she was angry were reasons to die.

I know that my life is not any harder and far less worse than some kids. Some kids got beat everyday, some were molested every day, and some had it all given to them, the easy way. I do not know where I fit in to any of it, I just know that I was very very unhappy and usually alone. Always alone. This is where my personal violence came in, on the outside I was a sweet kid, on the inside I was raging anger and pain all the time. I would pretend I was a hunting cat or a defiant horse when I was a child, lashing out at those who would capture me. All the things that happened to me would fuel this rage, and it would come out in tears and sporadic violence. Then the guilt for hurting someone. How fucked up can one little girl get?

These days I am not a child or a teenager anymore. And my mother, though I cannot live within the same state with her because that is just too close sometimes, I love her and she is a good person. My emotions finally caught up with my age and though I still want to reach out and touch certain people and not in a happy kind way for their sheer stupidity alone. (Yes I arrogantly consider these dumb people a waste of energy and air supply..I am working on that). But I am better.

I consider this foray into submission the beginning steps of my personal transformation. Into the better person I want to be. Something are aesthetic, but most things are internal. Learning to accept my WHOLE past and not just part of it, is the first step into the internal changes. I will be divulging those secrets as more than a few things that have occurred recently directly relate on what hinders me from succeeding. Maybe by writing it, I can learn to let it all go.

Are you ready to walk this path with me? I am taking the first steps....how about you?