There are a few people who need to be acknowledged right here in the beginning as they are important to the rest of the story. The very first is my lover, my confidant, my best friend, and my master forever known as C. I asked him if he wanted a title like Sir, Master, or Lord. He said no, that he was "C---" and that is the way he liked it. So in deference to that...my master will always be known as C in this blog. Ours is not a new relationship, we have been lovers for the last two and a half years. It is recent that after us separating and hashing it out that we come back together in the formula of D/s. I love him and that is all there is to it. He picks up this mantle of domination with gladness and I am excited to be his submissive and the fact that he is coming south to live and work here....YAY!!! I could write volumes about C and how he and I fit together, but I will merely say this ,we understand each others insanity, and it works well for us. When I am old,grey and decrepit I will be glad he is with me.
The next couple of people are a married couple and at the present I am in trial service to their household as a domestic servant and sort of body slave as required to the lady. M is the master of the House of M and d is his beautiful submissive with whom I am completely enamored with on so many levels. M has that sneaky and rather dry sense of humour that I possess as well, and the fact that he is utterly gentle in so many ways makes me smile. His orders are never harshly given, in fact sometimes they are so subtle that I miss them and then feel like an idiot for not being more observant. He is easy to talk to, to lay how I feel about something out on the table and not be afraid of it. I trust him..and for me that is saying a hell of allot. Plus he enjoys back scratchings and foot rubbings, both of which I am skilled at, so its nice to have someone who enjoys petting as much as I do.
His lady/submissive "d" is a genuinely nice person. One of those rare gems that you don't see every day, and I am lucky enough to know two people like this..the other is my sistah...but I will get to her in another post. "d" is a very sweet and sometimes rather devilish lady. She loves to torment me, but in that nice way that makes it OK and yet its a killer. LOL. I love her for it. Her fetishes and interests fascinate me, watching her merely eat ice cream is a study in art as is her beautiful face. She tells me that I am pretty and I believe her...at the moment we are working on my buying pretty underwear, because in her opinion "a pretty girl should feel pretty under her clothes too." (that is my paraphrasing). Having been a tomboy most of my life....being girly is a new thing to me...I am learning to like it quite a bit :) She helps me, and gives me strength to do things like get a Brazilian wax job. (Owie)
Those are the people whom I serve with a glad heart and thankful mind. They keep me in line and show me new ways of going forward in my life, they also love to torture me as I love to accept their torture. For this...I love them.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
On beginnings and revelations
I did something yesterday that I thought I would never do. I told my mother I was in "the bdsm lifestyle". I don't know what possessed me to just say it, maybe its the recent dedication C has made to me, to love me and to be my dominant. Maybe its the recent trial service I have to the House of M that makes me feel like something more than myself. Or maybe I have emotionally matured enough to accept that I enjoy being a submissive, and though sometimes I like holding the reins I would much rather be the beast of burden than the driver.
My mother surprised me by telling me about her little excursion into domination, in which she said she greatly enjoyed having a submissive yet should could not come to grips with the progressive violence that the submissive required. She can bark but she cannot bite, I guess. Except when she is angry, her violence is unquenchable when she is angry. I digress, truly I was stunned at her easy acceptance of my life. She asked me..."Could you do this with Jesus?" and for a moment I had an image of myself bound, gagged and kneeling before the Christ himself. Yes..I submit to the will of my chosen God, gladly. As he would not bind me but set me free, and only in love does he punish me, by allowing my mistakes so that I may better learn.
This conversation with my mother brought to mind the many things in the past that have occurred where she and I are concerned. One might ask how this fits into one's deviancy. I would say the issues of the past can greatly reflect on how we mold ourselves in the present. See she was never truly physically violent to me. She spanked me maybe a handful of times, used a switch on me twice and slapped in the face but once. Her particular type of torture was mental. Considering she is bi-polar this is not a surprise. One day I could do no wrong, the next day I could do nothing right. I felt guilt and praise all at the same time, and lived in an eternal conflict of self. So much to the point where I plotted my suicide on a regular basis.
Suicide planning is a self pity party with one attendee, just so you know. I spent too many years like this...waiting and wanting to die one day and living life to the fullest the next. Death was always right there at the corner of my ideal situation as far as I was concerned. I told myself I would live in the moment because tomorrow I would end it. This went on for several years. I still lived in fear, life as a teenager with my mother was just short of an Indy flick production, in other words..bizarre. The days I was a good girl were reason to celebrate and live, the days where she was angry were reasons to die.
I know that my life is not any harder and far less worse than some kids. Some kids got beat everyday, some were molested every day, and some had it all given to them, the easy way. I do not know where I fit in to any of it, I just know that I was very very unhappy and usually alone. Always alone. This is where my personal violence came in, on the outside I was a sweet kid, on the inside I was raging anger and pain all the time. I would pretend I was a hunting cat or a defiant horse when I was a child, lashing out at those who would capture me. All the things that happened to me would fuel this rage, and it would come out in tears and sporadic violence. Then the guilt for hurting someone. How fucked up can one little girl get?
These days I am not a child or a teenager anymore. And my mother, though I cannot live within the same state with her because that is just too close sometimes, I love her and she is a good person. My emotions finally caught up with my age and though I still want to reach out and touch certain people and not in a happy kind way for their sheer stupidity alone. (Yes I arrogantly consider these dumb people a waste of energy and air supply..I am working on that). But I am better.
I consider this foray into submission the beginning steps of my personal transformation. Into the better person I want to be. Something are aesthetic, but most things are internal. Learning to accept my WHOLE past and not just part of it, is the first step into the internal changes. I will be divulging those secrets as more than a few things that have occurred recently directly relate on what hinders me from succeeding. Maybe by writing it, I can learn to let it all go.
Are you ready to walk this path with me? I am taking the first steps....how about you?
My mother surprised me by telling me about her little excursion into domination, in which she said she greatly enjoyed having a submissive yet should could not come to grips with the progressive violence that the submissive required. She can bark but she cannot bite, I guess. Except when she is angry, her violence is unquenchable when she is angry. I digress, truly I was stunned at her easy acceptance of my life. She asked me..."Could you do this with Jesus?" and for a moment I had an image of myself bound, gagged and kneeling before the Christ himself. Yes..I submit to the will of my chosen God, gladly. As he would not bind me but set me free, and only in love does he punish me, by allowing my mistakes so that I may better learn.
This conversation with my mother brought to mind the many things in the past that have occurred where she and I are concerned. One might ask how this fits into one's deviancy. I would say the issues of the past can greatly reflect on how we mold ourselves in the present. See she was never truly physically violent to me. She spanked me maybe a handful of times, used a switch on me twice and slapped in the face but once. Her particular type of torture was mental. Considering she is bi-polar this is not a surprise. One day I could do no wrong, the next day I could do nothing right. I felt guilt and praise all at the same time, and lived in an eternal conflict of self. So much to the point where I plotted my suicide on a regular basis.
Suicide planning is a self pity party with one attendee, just so you know. I spent too many years like this...waiting and wanting to die one day and living life to the fullest the next. Death was always right there at the corner of my ideal situation as far as I was concerned. I told myself I would live in the moment because tomorrow I would end it. This went on for several years. I still lived in fear, life as a teenager with my mother was just short of an Indy flick production, in other words..bizarre. The days I was a good girl were reason to celebrate and live, the days where she was angry were reasons to die.
I know that my life is not any harder and far less worse than some kids. Some kids got beat everyday, some were molested every day, and some had it all given to them, the easy way. I do not know where I fit in to any of it, I just know that I was very very unhappy and usually alone. Always alone. This is where my personal violence came in, on the outside I was a sweet kid, on the inside I was raging anger and pain all the time. I would pretend I was a hunting cat or a defiant horse when I was a child, lashing out at those who would capture me. All the things that happened to me would fuel this rage, and it would come out in tears and sporadic violence. Then the guilt for hurting someone. How fucked up can one little girl get?
These days I am not a child or a teenager anymore. And my mother, though I cannot live within the same state with her because that is just too close sometimes, I love her and she is a good person. My emotions finally caught up with my age and though I still want to reach out and touch certain people and not in a happy kind way for their sheer stupidity alone. (Yes I arrogantly consider these dumb people a waste of energy and air supply..I am working on that). But I am better.
I consider this foray into submission the beginning steps of my personal transformation. Into the better person I want to be. Something are aesthetic, but most things are internal. Learning to accept my WHOLE past and not just part of it, is the first step into the internal changes. I will be divulging those secrets as more than a few things that have occurred recently directly relate on what hinders me from succeeding. Maybe by writing it, I can learn to let it all go.
Are you ready to walk this path with me? I am taking the first steps....how about you?
Friday, August 8, 2008
In Search
So I am searching for something I have already found, it was there now its not and I am afraid I have lost it again. Making choices for the betterment of everyone around you is a hard thing to do. Now I am back on the road searching again....where do I go now?
Sunday, July 6, 2008
For Pete's Sake......
If I say this probably isnt a good time for me to talk, just take that for what it is and wish me a nice day. Why must people ask so many damned questions, sometimes I dont want to tell you what is wrong. I just want to work it out for myself. See over the last few days I have been dealing with some next level bullshit and its left me kind of raw. Between my mother wanting me to bail out on the person that I love, and everyone I know wanting to kick his ass, nobody asks me how "I" am doing. They wonder about the situation, but if I say anything....and I mean anything that doesnt agree with their point of view, then they jump the fuck all over me.
GOD DAMMITTTT!
Why is it when you really need help, there is no one there? I need help with dealing with this, but none of these people know C-bear, and they dont know US! So they only get my side of the story, and not his, and of course he is he bad guy, blah blah fucking blah.
Your goddamn right I am combative right now.....Fuck all you people......
GOD DAMMITTTT!
Why is it when you really need help, there is no one there? I need help with dealing with this, but none of these people know C-bear, and they dont know US! So they only get my side of the story, and not his, and of course he is he bad guy, blah blah fucking blah.
Your goddamn right I am combative right now.....Fuck all you people......
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Who saved who?
So I have been spending a lot of time talking to a friend of mine who is going through a lot of changes. They are discovering why they made their choices in the past and why they are making different choices now in the present. Personally I am walking down this road too. I understand where they are at, and I try to tell them. To let them know they are not alone.
We are all responsible in how we react and handle things. Life dishes us some major bullshit and how we react is our choice. Its not about programming, its not about what your parents did to you, its not about your religion, it is about YOU. You can choose how you react, you can choose what you say and do, and it is your responsibility to own up to those choices.
So he tells me thank you, but really I have to say thank you to him, because reminding him reminds me. One day I will explain how all this came about....but not today. I thank you Dingo, for reminding me, and keeping me real.
We are all responsible in how we react and handle things. Life dishes us some major bullshit and how we react is our choice. Its not about programming, its not about what your parents did to you, its not about your religion, it is about YOU. You can choose how you react, you can choose what you say and do, and it is your responsibility to own up to those choices.
So he tells me thank you, but really I have to say thank you to him, because reminding him reminds me. One day I will explain how all this came about....but not today. I thank you Dingo, for reminding me, and keeping me real.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I wish I could quit you.....
There are a thousand things roiling in my mind tonight....Am I in the right place, am I doing the right thing....questions, questions, always questions. Sometimes I just want to take my brain out and put it in a jar just to shut it up.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A quiet place
So I have said this like a million times in my life "All I need is a quiet place to think" and it totally not true. I do some of my best thinking when I am under pressure and duress. The more I hurt the more I think. I am beginning to think its not even a masochistic thing with me. The quiet places, the quiet people, the quietness, scares the ever loving hell out of me. I need noise. I need to be in the mix and with people.
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