rapt's Deviant Metamorphosis Part 1

It begins with black liquid eyeliner, to so many as garish and over done, to me it is the beginning mark of change. I practice putting the eyeliner on you see, to pull the lid of my eye taut as I draw the line trying to make it just right. Not too thick this line, just enough to create a slight dramatic effect, to bring attention to my gun metal blue eyes. Not brilliant blue, or piercing icy blue, but the color of new gun metal. Before the weapon has been fired a thousand times, heating up the barrel and changing the color to a more matte finish. My mother always said it was one of my best features. The black line draws your attention to them.

The other aesthetic changes come slowly, with better eating, exercise, losing bad habits, and picking up good ones. "C" has said he very much approves of all these changes, he especially would like to see my hair dyed purple/black again (more of an eggplant color). But the eyeliner...and the nail polish those are kickers for me. Like my sexy underwear it is those things that make me feel a little more girly and less like rag-a-muffin.

I look at images of the pin up girls, with their eyes dazzling, face smooth, lips red and pouting, they are sex defined in lines that I don't know if I can ever achieve...but in my own way I am going to try....

Playing catch-up and entering the land of confusion.

So it has been awhile since I posted a blog, much has happened in the last few weeks, but it includes driving all the way to Colorado to collect "C" and all his stuff. We have been back together for little over a week and it has been very enlightening. We have looked at an apartment, which we will be renting come the first of April, he has found a job, and things are looking up. The discussion of an official D/s contract has occurred, yet we have not put anything in writing yet. And this is why....

He is uncomfortable with my participating sexually with other people. The domestic service part he doesn't mind, but the submission to milady d he has an issue with, especially if her master "M" is observing. He considers the observation of my submission sexually a sexual act. I, of course, disagree. I feel that a sexual act incurs someone actually doing something, not just observing. The feeling of being possessed is one thing, and I understand his position, but this is insane. He knew this about me coming into this and now....I am just at a loss. Every time we try to talk about it winds up with us arguing. I know it does not make me a very good submissive to disagree with him but I just feel like I am being unfairly treated in this.

His position is that he barely knows the household I am in service to, he is not comfortable with my being naked around just anyone (though is doesn't bother me a bit) much less allowing another man to watch on while i am intimate with another woman. He says he needs time, he says he wants the opportunity to get to know the household. I am cool with this but I don't understand why i have to not play because HE has the issue.

Part of me feels like I am being childish and the other part is enraged as an adult. I don't know what to do and I feel like I am being forced to choose because of someones hang ups. That is NOT cool......