I moved my blog

So....essentially I am tired of dealing with Blogger and its ...issues. I am moving the whole she-bang over to WordPress, so the new location is http://raptsblog.wordpress.com/. I am finding there are more widgets and cool stuff, so join me there....*hugs to all*

Restoration of Order on the Way

Its not as bad as I think it is, is it? We are moved in, still no furniture or not much furniture but its getting better. Hot water heater died on Mondy, they came and fixed it yesterday. So you can imagine that its been not quite as stellar as I would like it to be, but when is it ever the way we want it?? Living next to friends is nice, always have visitors. I still miss her alot though. We have not spoken in any fashion in a while, i think its because i am afraid to call. I dont want to know the answer to any of my questions. She said to give her sometime, and i am perfectly ok with that, but still I worry about her. Do we lose the time we had, do those things become memories if I am not around to reinforce them by my presence?? Will i no longer count? These questions seem so ridiculous to me. Yet they plague me. Maybe its better to just let it go, if something is meant to be, then it will be...right? Just want to say this...this girl misses you m'lady.

On the outside looking in

Lately the woman in my life has been distant. I call her the woman in my life, because there is no other that holds my interest the way she does, yet I feel like I am not wholly apart of hers. Considering everything it is almost too much to ask really. She is part of a whole other schism that I may never touch, and the ideal of us spending quality time together is becoming more and more remote from my vision. How do I tell her that I miss looking at her, talking to her, discovering those unknowns about myself and her without pressure? I do not think its possible. I can only be patient and hope that one day she might venture to see me again.

The life I have with my "owner" right now makes things a little difficult, please do not misunderstand I love Him very much, I am happy to belong to Him. He has no issue with my interest in her, so long as no other XY is involved. This of course makes her Dom (who is also a friend of mine) a little...well not put out but disappointed I guess would be the right description. So here we all are...sitting in a room full of glass boxes that we ourselves are sitting in... not touching, talking or essentially communicating with each other. So wrapped up in our own bull shit unable to clearly see how the others are feeling. We are on the outside of emotional glass looking in...and its bugging the fuck out of me.

more later.

M*I*A

So i have been more than a little lax in my upkeep here but FINALLY we have moved into an apartment...*throws confetti* Yay!!!! Finally...privacy...our OWN space!! That of course means new rules in the new place...i am excited. Just wanted to note that i was still alive.....*hugs*

rapt's Deviant Metamorphosis Part 1

It begins with black liquid eyeliner, to so many as garish and over done, to me it is the beginning mark of change. I practice putting the eyeliner on you see, to pull the lid of my eye taut as I draw the line trying to make it just right. Not too thick this line, just enough to create a slight dramatic effect, to bring attention to my gun metal blue eyes. Not brilliant blue, or piercing icy blue, but the color of new gun metal. Before the weapon has been fired a thousand times, heating up the barrel and changing the color to a more matte finish. My mother always said it was one of my best features. The black line draws your attention to them.

The other aesthetic changes come slowly, with better eating, exercise, losing bad habits, and picking up good ones. "C" has said he very much approves of all these changes, he especially would like to see my hair dyed purple/black again (more of an eggplant color). But the eyeliner...and the nail polish those are kickers for me. Like my sexy underwear it is those things that make me feel a little more girly and less like rag-a-muffin.

I look at images of the pin up girls, with their eyes dazzling, face smooth, lips red and pouting, they are sex defined in lines that I don't know if I can ever achieve...but in my own way I am going to try....

Playing catch-up and entering the land of confusion.

So it has been awhile since I posted a blog, much has happened in the last few weeks, but it includes driving all the way to Colorado to collect "C" and all his stuff. We have been back together for little over a week and it has been very enlightening. We have looked at an apartment, which we will be renting come the first of April, he has found a job, and things are looking up. The discussion of an official D/s contract has occurred, yet we have not put anything in writing yet. And this is why....

He is uncomfortable with my participating sexually with other people. The domestic service part he doesn't mind, but the submission to milady d he has an issue with, especially if her master "M" is observing. He considers the observation of my submission sexually a sexual act. I, of course, disagree. I feel that a sexual act incurs someone actually doing something, not just observing. The feeling of being possessed is one thing, and I understand his position, but this is insane. He knew this about me coming into this and now....I am just at a loss. Every time we try to talk about it winds up with us arguing. I know it does not make me a very good submissive to disagree with him but I just feel like I am being unfairly treated in this.

His position is that he barely knows the household I am in service to, he is not comfortable with my being naked around just anyone (though is doesn't bother me a bit) much less allowing another man to watch on while i am intimate with another woman. He says he needs time, he says he wants the opportunity to get to know the household. I am cool with this but I don't understand why i have to not play because HE has the issue.

Part of me feels like I am being childish and the other part is enraged as an adult. I don't know what to do and I feel like I am being forced to choose because of someones hang ups. That is NOT cool......

Full On Pissed Off Rant

In the last few months myself and people I know have been caught up in the whirl wind of losing something precious and important to us, intimate relationships. When you decide to end a relationship, its never easy. No one wins, and everyone loses, the most you can really hope for is damage control and to walk away with your INTEGRITY intact.

I had to walk away from someone for a while in order for BOTH of us to see what we really wanted. There were mistakes on both sides, and issues that need to be resolved most of all we both recognized that what we wanted the most was each other. My personal definition of love is "that one person who can put up with your kind of crazy for a lifetime and love it". But I want to be clear that I was completely honest and up front with him from the get go. I do NOT like being LIED TO on any level, and I do not like to participate in lying to someone else. I would not disassmeble something that meant so much to me without being there in person.

Because I have been in the situation, I find it offensive when someone tells me that I dont know what I am talking about. And I am hard pressed not to tell them to shove their opinion straight up their asses, especially when the party concerned had the AUDACITY to try and act like its all cool. So in response I wrote a little poem.....

One dishonored the innocent
One deceived those who trusted
Now one expects forgiveness?
Now one expects understanding?
Very well...all is forgiven
Very well...all is understood
Honor does not belong to one...but It matters not
Trust is an illusion one creates to make a smile
Until one is honest
Until one owns the dishonor
May one live forever in interesting times,and get everything one wants.
As above, so below...Blessed Be

Valentines Day Torture

From yesterday 13 of Feb

So the local group I participate with is having a small soirree of sorts and I am all kinds of excited, but at the same time I am exhausted. It feels like I am burning the candle at both ends and steadily running out of time & energy but not running out of things to do.
Thank god I iced the cakes last night, (my contribution to the party), or I would be running completely insane today.
To top it all off, my master put no play rules on me and I can only cum(by my own hand ie masturbation) on Wed or Sat, which today is Sat but when am I going to have time!
Of course all this chaos , rules, and demands make me wetter than a rainy day. Hopefully I will find time to soothe the savage beast before midnight. Lol! More later.... By the way if you Twitter then find me! I am raptattention there too!
<3 rapt

In Service to....

There are a few people who need to be acknowledged right here in the beginning as they are important to the rest of the story. The very first is my lover, my confidant, my best friend, and my master forever known as C. I asked him if he wanted a title like Sir, Master, or Lord. He said no, that he was "C---" and that is the way he liked it. So in deference to that...my master will always be known as C in this blog. Ours is not a new relationship, we have been lovers for the last two and a half years. It is recent that after us separating and hashing it out that we come back together in the formula of D/s. I love him and that is all there is to it. He picks up this mantle of domination with gladness and I am excited to be his submissive and the fact that he is coming south to live and work here....YAY!!! I could write volumes about C and how he and I fit together, but I will merely say this ,we understand each others insanity, and it works well for us. When I am old,grey and decrepit I will be glad he is with me.

The next couple of people are a married couple and at the present I am in trial service to their household as a domestic servant and sort of body slave as required to the lady. M is the master of the House of M and d is his beautiful submissive with whom I am completely enamored with on so many levels. M has that sneaky and rather dry sense of humour that I possess as well, and the fact that he is utterly gentle in so many ways makes me smile. His orders are never harshly given, in fact sometimes they are so subtle that I miss them and then feel like an idiot for not being more observant. He is easy to talk to, to lay how I feel about something out on the table and not be afraid of it. I trust him..and for me that is saying a hell of allot. Plus he enjoys back scratchings and foot rubbings, both of which I am skilled at, so its nice to have someone who enjoys petting as much as I do.

His lady/submissive "d" is a genuinely nice person. One of those rare gems that you don't see every day, and I am lucky enough to know two people like this..the other is my sistah...but I will get to her in another post. "d" is a very sweet and sometimes rather devilish lady. She loves to torment me, but in that nice way that makes it OK and yet its a killer. LOL. I love her for it. Her fetishes and interests fascinate me, watching her merely eat ice cream is a study in art as is her beautiful face. She tells me that I am pretty and I believe her...at the moment we are working on my buying pretty underwear, because in her opinion "a pretty girl should feel pretty under her clothes too." (that is my paraphrasing). Having been a tomboy most of my life....being girly is a new thing to me...I am learning to like it quite a bit :) She helps me, and gives me strength to do things like get a Brazilian wax job. (Owie)

Those are the people whom I serve with a glad heart and thankful mind. They keep me in line and show me new ways of going forward in my life, they also love to torture me as I love to accept their torture. For this...I love them.

On beginnings and revelations

I did something yesterday that I thought I would never do. I told my mother I was in "the bdsm lifestyle". I don't know what possessed me to just say it, maybe its the recent dedication C has made to me, to love me and to be my dominant. Maybe its the recent trial service I have to the House of M that makes me feel like something more than myself. Or maybe I have emotionally matured enough to accept that I enjoy being a submissive, and though sometimes I like holding the reins I would much rather be the beast of burden than the driver.

My mother surprised me by telling me about her little excursion into domination, in which she said she greatly enjoyed having a submissive yet should could not come to grips with the progressive violence that the submissive required. She can bark but she cannot bite, I guess. Except when she is angry, her violence is unquenchable when she is angry. I digress, truly I was stunned at her easy acceptance of my life. She asked me..."Could you do this with Jesus?" and for a moment I had an image of myself bound, gagged and kneeling before the Christ himself. Yes..I submit to the will of my chosen God, gladly. As he would not bind me but set me free, and only in love does he punish me, by allowing my mistakes so that I may better learn.

This conversation with my mother brought to mind the many things in the past that have occurred where she and I are concerned. One might ask how this fits into one's deviancy. I would say the issues of the past can greatly reflect on how we mold ourselves in the present. See she was never truly physically violent to me. She spanked me maybe a handful of times, used a switch on me twice and slapped in the face but once. Her particular type of torture was mental. Considering she is bi-polar this is not a surprise. One day I could do no wrong, the next day I could do nothing right. I felt guilt and praise all at the same time, and lived in an eternal conflict of self. So much to the point where I plotted my suicide on a regular basis.

Suicide planning is a self pity party with one attendee, just so you know. I spent too many years like this...waiting and wanting to die one day and living life to the fullest the next. Death was always right there at the corner of my ideal situation as far as I was concerned. I told myself I would live in the moment because tomorrow I would end it. This went on for several years. I still lived in fear, life as a teenager with my mother was just short of an Indy flick production, in other words..bizarre. The days I was a good girl were reason to celebrate and live, the days where she was angry were reasons to die.

I know that my life is not any harder and far less worse than some kids. Some kids got beat everyday, some were molested every day, and some had it all given to them, the easy way. I do not know where I fit in to any of it, I just know that I was very very unhappy and usually alone. Always alone. This is where my personal violence came in, on the outside I was a sweet kid, on the inside I was raging anger and pain all the time. I would pretend I was a hunting cat or a defiant horse when I was a child, lashing out at those who would capture me. All the things that happened to me would fuel this rage, and it would come out in tears and sporadic violence. Then the guilt for hurting someone. How fucked up can one little girl get?

These days I am not a child or a teenager anymore. And my mother, though I cannot live within the same state with her because that is just too close sometimes, I love her and she is a good person. My emotions finally caught up with my age and though I still want to reach out and touch certain people and not in a happy kind way for their sheer stupidity alone. (Yes I arrogantly consider these dumb people a waste of energy and air supply..I am working on that). But I am better.

I consider this foray into submission the beginning steps of my personal transformation. Into the better person I want to be. Something are aesthetic, but most things are internal. Learning to accept my WHOLE past and not just part of it, is the first step into the internal changes. I will be divulging those secrets as more than a few things that have occurred recently directly relate on what hinders me from succeeding. Maybe by writing it, I can learn to let it all go.

Are you ready to walk this path with me? I am taking the first steps....how about you?